By RAMON PRESSON
As Tennessee continues to be an attractive state in which to live and work, more and more transplants are losing touch with some of the important news happening in their home state. I’m here to help. Over the last few months here are some events you may have missed while you’ve been away.
I’ve included seven states in this first installment. I realize that if you’re a native New Yorker you cannot believe that I didn’t include New York in Part One. If you’re from the Lone Star State, you’re wondering why Texas isn’t being given space for an entire column of its own. If your roots are in New Jersey you’re in no hurry because as you often say, “No good news comes out of Jersey.”
Pennsylvania — Congressman Mike Kelly said in an interview with Vice News earlier this month, “You know, they talk about people of color. I’m a person of color. I’m white.” If Rep. Kelly believes that white is a color, I have some advice for Mrs. Kelly: Never let Mike do the laundry.
North Carolina — Braydon Smith, age 11, of Mebane fought off a three-person home invasion by attacking one of the burglars with a machete. Braydon told a reporter that one of the intruders “was bleeding in the back of the head really badly. So, he just dropped everything and ran out of the door.” No word yet on Smith being recruited to star in Home Alone 8.
Florida — Iguanas are reproducing so rapidly in South Florida that the state wildlife agency is encouraging homeowners to “kill green iguanas on their own property whenever possible.” It did not say HOW residents should attempt to kill them. Hmmmm, I don’t see how anything could possibly go wrong, do you?
Missouri — Police in Liberty this month managed to capture a man wanted for drug possession after he gave away his hiding place when he farted so loudly that it arrested the attention of the cops looking for him. “If you’ve got a felony warrant for your arrest, the cops are looking for you, and you pass gas so loudly that it gives up your hiding spot, you’re definitely having a (poop emoji) day,” the Clay County Sheriff’s Office wrote in a Facebook post. I don’t feel I need to comment further on this.
Idaho — The 28-foot long steel and plaster potato constructed in 2012 to mark the Idaho Potato Commission’s 75th anniversary has been sold and transformed into a single-room Airbnb. Said Frank Muir, CEO of the Idaho Potato Commission, “It’s a way of inviting people to experience Idaho in a unique way.” With no windows and for only $200 a night, why would you stay anywhere else when you vacation in Boise?
Kentucky — An attempt to bury old wounds landed Michael May behind bars after an officer saw him digging up a grave at a cemetery in Sanford. May told the arresting officer he was trying to dig up the grave of his father so he could argue with him. By the way, May’s father died 30 years ago. Let this be a lesson to any readers holding a grudge for 30 years against a deceased person. Learn to forgive and let it go. Also let this incident serve as a warning that if you are inclined to consume large amounts of alcohol and marijuana together in the same evening you should probably stay away from cemeteries.
Tennessee — In case your home state is Tennessee you may have been away on vacation and missed this gem. A woman was arrested in Crossville after stealing an electric shopping scooter from Walmart and driving it to Waffle House. Crossville police said 45-year-old Sally Selby was charged with theft after officers pulled her over driving on Main Street. Selby told police she had built the cart and someone had ripped the lights off of it. I’m thinking that the person who stole the headlights was actually just exchanging them for the new laptop, DVDs, and headphones found in the scooter basket. Sounds like a good trade to me.
Tune in next week to see if news from your home state made it into Part Two. Then again, if you’re from Arkansas, are you really sure you want to know about it?
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson