I get a number of words confused with each other, like affect and effect, astronomy and astrology, zoology and Zoolander.
Astronomy is “the branch of science that deals with celestial objects, space, and the physical universe as a whole.” Astrology is “the completely irrational belief that you should totally order your life around the date you were born as it relates to the position and movement of sun, moon, planets, and stars.”
Each of the 12 months has a zodiac sign and provides ready-made pick-up lines in bars such as, “What’s your sign, baby?” which is best responded to with “For you, a STOP sign. Go away.”
“Zodiac” is derived from the Greek word meaning “circle of animals” or “strange petting zoo” and is believed to have originated in Egypt and later adopted by the Babylonians who then introduced it to California hippies in the late 1960s.
Most major newspapers include the daily horoscope on their comics page which is the best place I can think for it. The word “horoscope” is derived from a Latin word meaning, “Fortune cookies without the cookie.”
Last night I painstakingly studied the alignment of the planets and stars with a pair of high-powered binoculars that I won at Chuck E. Cheese. After analyzing the data, I hereby offer you the following reliable report —reliable because large inanimate objects floating a gabozillion miles away have no reason to lie.
AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18
You’ve been thinking about taking a leap of faith but your friends have seen the way you jump and it’s not pretty. Take the stairs slowly and hold on to the bannister.
PISCES Feb 19-March 20
Today is the day to speak out boldly and let your voice be heard such as “Yeah, I’ll have a #3 combo with curly fries and a Dr. Pepper.”
ARIES March 21-April 19
This is an opportune time to explore your options — such as body shops in your vicinity after you back the car out of the driveway and into your neighbor’s mini-van.
TAURUS April 20-May 20
Today you will have a profound and life-changing conversation with a stranger — such as an IRS agent investigating your business for several tax violations.
GEMINI May 21-June 20
This is a day to indulge yourself. Because when that stomach bug kicks in tonight it’s going to be nothing but ice chips and dry toast for the next few days.
CANCER June 21-July 22
Opportunity will knock on your door but it’s more likely Jehovah’s Witnesses, so just pretend you’re not home.
LEO July 23-Aug 22
You may find yourself today in an uncomfortable encounter with a person of authority. So when the cop pulls you over just pretend to be deaf and blind.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22
Today is the day your ship comes in! Well, not exactly all the way in because it hit some rocks near the lighthouse so you may have to swim out to it and see if there’s anything salvageable floating in the water.
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22
You could come into possession of a large sum of money today. So be sure to wear a ski mask and disguise your voice when you hand the note to the bank teller.
SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21
You’re going to feel highly motivated to bring more positive energy and discipline into your life but just lie down until that urge passes.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21
Today you will pursue a romantic interest which results in a meeting with the HR manager to review the company’s policy on sexual harassment.
CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 19
Be confident and bold. Trust your instincts today. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Those around you continue to learn valuable lessons from your costly blunders.
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.