Well, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be but it was still pretty hard.
When I initially met up with the band boys to head from Tampa to Miami, there was flirting. There were dumb nicknames. There were goofy Snapchats. There was tension.
The difference between last time and this time, however, is that now I know better. So I didn’t flirt back. I didn’t stare. I didn’t make everything Alex said to me a big deal in my head, because I’ve seen how that goes and I don’t want that anymore. I’m done with emotionally torturing myself over a guy who can’t – or won’t – make up his mind.
But once we got to our hotel on the beach, I still couldn’t stop myself from asking Alex to break off with me and us go shoot photos on our own. And so we did. We walked to the beach at sunset and I took his photos, dying on the inside every time he looked into my lens with those cold blue, come hither eyes. I wondered – does he know what he does to me? Some moments later we were still on the beach, the sun not quite down, both of our feet in the water as we discussed the future, and the past.
Things are about to change for the band, for our whole crew.
Alex was recently cast on a major network’s reality TV show. Without giving too many details away, filming will start basically ASAP. I think they want him to have a love interest. It won’t be me, I really doubt it, but whoever it is I know it’s going to make me really, really uncomfortable. I didn’t mention this to Alex. I also didn’t mention what the producers might think when they see some of our photos together that we shot on the last tour, because the world hasn’t seen those yet. But it will cause a stir, and I ask myself – do I hold off on posting the photos or do I cause a stir?
Before I could even bring it up, Alex brought it up.
It was a casual mention, but he said he looked pale in the last photos we took. I asked, “The ones I took of the band you mean?” And he said, “No, the ones of us.”
Looking at him looking at me, I remembered when we shot those photos that no one has seen yet. It was when we were in New Jersey, and it was the first time I had ever seen the Atlantic Ocean. It was cold. We were pale. But it was something. Even his best friend in the band, Cory, who notices everything between Alex and I, told me that Alex confided in him the intensity of that day. As Alex brought it up, I looked at both of us standing on the bottom end of the Atlantic Ocean with the sun setting, and I couldn’t help but think our summer tans would make for a really great Part 2 – a finale to what we started so many months ago.
But I didn’t say anything, and I let the moment pass. I died on the inside for the next four days.
It is possible to love a person from afar, to let what isn’t happening go, to try and free yourself from the emotional hold they don’t even know they have on you. It is possible to just be friends with someone that you want so much. It is possible to be cool around them and act like nothing is wrong. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard.
Until next time.
With Love, Lola.